Women’s GT, Trust

Betrayal causes trauma, and Trauma Blocks Intuition

Natural instincts and intuition are essential for a healthy and happy life as a woman. This subtle intuition, or inner voice, notifies us when things are going well or when we need to make a change. Unfortunately, along with all the physical damages that occur to our body when we are in constant crisis, we also become paralysed and more confused in our decision-making. When the energy in our brain is spent in fight/ flight/freeze, there is little energy left for the prefrontal cortex or the judgment and rational thinking part of the brain.

When you’re in fight/flight/freeze mode, you may believe that everything is dangerous, even if it isn’t.

Unfortunately, once the truth about a partner’s behaviour is revealed, most women lose touch with their intuition and slip into a perplexing spiral due to trauma. 

Women say things such as, “I always have the feeling that things are unsafe, even if they are. So because I feel in danger, I don’t let him or anybody else inside my emotional zone.”

We must be able to practise transitioning from feeling hijacked, overwhelmed, and anxious to peaceful and calm each time we are triggered because trauma is chronic and will be activated quite frequently at first and less often over time. Therefore, each time your trauma triggers you, it is critical to learn how to self-soothe, relax the mind, journal, connect to another woman, and achieve peace and serenity by reconnecting with your intuition.

The remedy for relational pain caused by attachment injuries, according to research, is a meaningful, secure connection (what researchers call secure bonding). Secure bonding is what heals the wounds and makes the relationship safe again. However, only repeated experiences of safe, meaningful emotional connection with our relationship (partner) can lead to this form of secure connection. You heard me right; this is a mutual process. Therefore, you both must show up in this space and not only the one who betrayed you.

This means that both individuals must learn to be vulnerable to one another. 

In this space, you must become intentional and choose that the betrayal must be examined in new ways. The most painful aspects of the hurt, the most fearful fears, and the most vulnerable aspects of the harm must be articulated and received with care and vulnerability, emphasising honesty, connection, and safety. Explosions, name callings, shaming and blaming will only cause further rupture and diminish the safety and trust. 

Establishing Your Boundaries:

Many women believe that they are overbearing, oppressive, or just plain cruel by establishing boundaries. This is not correct. Boundaries function to keep you and others safe and are based on the only person over whom you have control: yourself.You’re not in charge of anyone’s actions; instead, you’resetting a standard and asking people to follow it. The other people in your life will then decide, and they will be responsible for the consequences.

As you consider the consequences of specific actions, you must be willing to carry out your action plan. Any boundaries or consequences you create but don’t enforce will make you look like a walking doormat to your husband (or children, or anybody else in your life).

Poor behaviours/ acting ins by the betrayed (revenge behaviours)• A persistent cycle of criticism, blame, humiliating, belittling, and verbal abuse • Putting the partner on a treadmill so they can never meet your demands by withholding or keeping emotions, praise, sharing feelings, sex and intimacy• Manipulation, and poor behaviour towards the partner(because they initially hurt you) with a cycle of explosions, unhealthy actions, and provoked confrontations • Anger outbursts and lack of ownership of one’s triggermanagement • Using the partner solely as a servant or a service person.• Attempting to use the partner in a functionship (i.e., making money, running the business, doing house chores, etc.).• Never initiating intimacy, apologies, or physical touch. • Putting themselves in a good box (positive light) and their partner in a bad box (negative light ).• Using phrases like “always” and “never.” To criticise or impose contempt.• Being defensive and overly sensitive.• Making others walk on eggshells around them• Some female partners may need psych evaluation to eliminate bipolar, major depression or borderline p[ersonality disorder. Please monitor your own pattern of behaviours. For example, suppose there are too many ups and downs and out of control explosions, aggressive behaviours and abusive language. In that case, you are a sure candidate for medication that targets that specific condition (antidepressant will not be enough or sufficient, but an extensive assessment by a psychiatrist.• Do not punish him through withholding behaviours

If you have ever had a dog, you know you can quicklyturn your kind and mellow puppy into a mean and aggressive dog. Do you want to know how?

By not feeding them

Not talking to them

And not touching them (Weiss, 2020)

I am not saying your man is a dog, but hopefully, you understand the analogy. For the most part majority of men’suniversal love language is a loving touch, affirmation, and, I am sure, being fed. Ask your man if this is true for him? If his answer is yes, go ahead and provide that today.

Trust

• It takes years to develop trust, seconds to shatter it, and a lifetime to repair it. Trust is a choice you make.  • Trust requires mutual respect that manifests itself in how we speak, interact, and treat one another.• Trust is built when there is respect for one another’s needs and being dependable and supportive. • Trust is built when there is empathy for one another’sanxieties, fears, and insecurities. • If you decide to stay, you must commit to the relationship and its future 100%. • Enforcing boundaries and trusting that your spouse will respect your physical and emotional safety.• Trust is built when the betrayed woman chooses to develop her own safety by practising boundaries and consequences rather than waiting for the partner to provide it.• Trust is built when there is an ability to share things with your partner while also feeling safe sharing theirs. • Trust is built when You choose to disclose your defects and problems to your partner, hoping that they will not be exploited, and you trust your partner to do the same.

Rebuilding Trust after you’ve been Betrayed

Rebuilding trust after it has been broken is not just dependent on the person who has betrayed it or how many times they can demonstrate that they are trustworthy. It also depends on the person who has decided not to trust. Though their resistance to trust may be legitimate, the relationship has no chance of lasting and should be ended. However, there is hope if or when they choose to trust again.

If you (the betrayed partner) decide to keep the relationship going, here are some things to think about while you work to reestablish trust:• Respect is necessary. • Communication that is both healthy and constructive. • Allow yourself to be vulnerable gradually. • Attempting to comprehend and even empathise with the reasons or motivations for the lies or betrayal. This appears to be highly unjust. You are the one who has been betrayed and injured. However, understanding the underlying motivation and conditions that contributed to the betrayal can only be addressed and prevented in the future.• Instead of blind trust, practise mindful trust. Expect neither yourself nor your spouse to trust completely. • Maintain a healthy balance of giving and receiving. Mutual respect and a symbiotic mutualism connection, in which both sides profit from the partnership, are characteristics of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, this equilibrium is frequently upset following betrayal.• The betrayed spouse frequently believes that the offender must apologise, crawl and make great attempts to repair the injury, prove their commitment to the relationship, pay for their mistakes, and display regret. This connection dynamic is good in the early stages of rehabilitation, but it is not long-term maintainable and can be harmful.• Practice the process of forgiveness

Rebuilding trust requires forgiveness; nevertheless, forgiving your partner does not imply that they did not do you wrong.The act of forgiving does not mean that trust has been restored. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgotteness. Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to let go of resentment or vengeance against someone who has mistreated you, whether or not they deserve it. Forgiveness is necessary for the partnership to survive. This includes self-forgiveness! • Stop re-living the past. The past is to learn from but to leave behind. Keep your mind from wandering back in time. It’s natural for the mind to dwell on the betrayal for an extended period. Recognise these sentiments and thoughts, and tell your spouse about them. You must, however, learn to focus on the present moment and acknowledge that you have made a conscious decision to try to trust your spouse based on current occurrences.Your healing, new trust and unstucking yourself are 100% your responsibility and not HIS.

Some helpful tools for women to utilise daily

Based on studies and my own research, women who focus on their own healing instead of focusing on their partners will do daily recovery work, attend individual and group therapy, connect with others, journal, meditate, and have solid boundaries and consequences. They additionally initiate sharing feelings, appreciations, intimacy, sex and dates with their partners. As a result, you will heal and do as good as your work. Full stop.• Recognise that you are in trauma and choose to step out of it. • Stop focusing on him, fixing or rescuing him, controlling or punishing him. All these actions are co-dependency and keep you focused on him instead of on yourself.• Stop staying in a victim state• Stop feeling sorry for yourself• Avoid thinking, “this is his problem, and he needs to fix him, and I do not need to do the work”. You become a more developed person, partner, parent, and human being by doing the work. This is your responsibility and not his. You have ended here with him for some reason, regardless of the status of your relationship. Therefore explore and investigate those reasons so you do not repeat the same pattern of relationships in the future and learn how to manage them in a wholesome and holistic way.• If at all feasible, physically remove yourself from the stressful situation. Seek self-regulation instead of building a case against your partner or wind yyou yoursel ready for an escalating fight. Your job is to Cool down. Remember that cooling down takes time, usually at least 20 minutes. • Practice 5 senses self-soothing• Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge the anguish (when we fight pain, it sticks around; when we pay attention to it and validate it, it passes) • Relax and enjoy your senses. • Pray and meditate • Deep breathing is a mindfulness practice.• Journaling that ends with gratitudes

• Make an appointment to express to your partner how youyou feeld tell him how he can support you • Continue your own individual therapy simusimultaneouslyyou maintain couples therapy