Those who have decided to stay after discovering their partner’s infidelity require superhuman strength. They now have to simultaneously manage and avoid coping with the emotions of hurt, betrayal, disappointment, irritation, disgust, rage, and grief while remaining in the relationship. Because they chose to stay, they must make an effort to view their unfaithful partner as a desirable and valued person once more, even though doing so could make them feel repelled. In reality, the betrayed partner becomes more lost and confused as a result. The entire situation is stressful and impractical for the betrayed partner, who wants to believe the other person won’t hurt them any longer.

They continuously think about the where, what, whys, and how. They are aware of and hounded by all the unending questions which rarely have convincing answers. They consequently experience anxiety and uncertainty about both themselves and their wayward partner. 

In contrast, with their twisted reality, the unfaithful partner enters the space and impatiently  says, “I want you and us to reconcile and heal, so please forgive me.” 

Ultimately, the deceived partner who chose to remain (but did not know what they were getting into) must understand the lengths they must go to remain in the relationship and forgive their partner sincerely. That will not occur in a day or over the weekend but over a long, intentional and tedious process.

To be completely honest, the wayward partner has no right to set a time limit on the betrayed partner’s healing or forgiveness. They were harming their partners behind their backs and were fully conscious of their decisions, which is why they were hidden. They did so intentionally and for self-preservation each time they lied or deceived. By not telling the betrayed partner the truth about the secretive behaviours, the decision was made for them instead of allowing them to make it themselves.

Because the wayward partner knew that their actions would ruin their partner (and their relationship), the truth was exposed, and the knowledge of the truth would be devastating, leaving the betrayed forever changed. 

 Dear wayward partner, before making these outrageous demands for quick healing or hasty forgiveness, consider the extent of the harm you have already done to your partner. Your partner can hardly function because they cannot even think straight or even eat or sleep. They are unable to fulfil their everyday obligations or meet their work commitments because they must fight with constantly intrusive thoughts and images (triggers). Your partner constantly worries about what you did in the past and are doing in the present. Your past is their present. Their thoughts continue to torment them, and therefore there is no logical end to their suffering. Most people remain in committed partnerships while facing infidelity because love, family, children, and history are complex responsibilities and values. Staying in an intimate relationship after being betrayed goes against most betrayed partners’ morals and is something they never believed they would do; therefore, the process is not only an external battle but also a traumatic internal one.

So please develop compassion and empathy and think about your betrayed partner’s terrifying experiences (imposed by your actions) before you say they ought to move on.

Dr Fai (2023)