So why do some people crave external validation all the time? 

This maladaptive behaviour emerges if the person’s attachment bonds with their parents were severed when they were young, if they received little to no care, if it was challenging to be heard, felt, or seen correctly, or if children are frequently given the lowest priority in the homes where they are raised. External factors are also important in this situation. Perhaps the parents are more concerned with advancing their jobs than building a strong relationship with a young child. A child could occasionally find themselves in that situation because their parents want to go out and enjoy their own lives. If this occurs, parents can leave the child behind with less attuned caregivers who could make the child feel unworthy and not good enough. As they age, these children learn to look outside themselves for validation to fill the emptiness inside and eliminate the uncomfortable feelings of not being good enough. Thus, sex can frequently be used as a coping mechanism, and some people (more male than female) use sexual stimulation or activities as a self-soothing approach because they cannot internally validate themselves and as a means to escape. This may imply that these people are unaware of their own or others’ genuine worth.

Most sex addicts have gone through childhood trauma or are from dysfunctional family systems, and they constantly seek sexual stimulation or activity to medicate or numb the anguish they have suffered. It’s possible they came into contact with or engaged with someone who had injured them or caused them pain, suffering, or wounds. As a result, they don’t have high regard for themselves, feeling a void within,  and chasing dopamine to relieve the pain becomes addictive.

Over time, this issue gets worse. Additionally, as one starts to view themselves and others as objects, they gradually lose the desire to be by themselves and the capacity to completely understand who they are, their own values and others’. This happens due to their declining self-respect and reliance on other people for temporary or illusory external approval. Because of this, whenever someone experiences stress, resentment, worry, loneliness, or feeling abandoned or rejected, they may feel emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually empty. But the more uncomfortable these people feel, the more compelled they feel to act out sexually to escape those unpleasant emotions. Due to the involvement of dopamine and its reward-inducing sensations during sexual arousal or release, unpleasant emotions are quickly and briefly forgotten. However, the more compulsive sexual behaviours these individuals engage in, the worse they finally feel about themselves and everyone else.

People might carry early life sexual trauma for the rest of their life, and it can confuse the body since their physical reactions may differ from their emotional and mental ones. Unfortunately, sexual abuse affects the victim’s brain as well as physiology. Because of their perplexing sensations, the child could find it difficult to comprehend what is happening. They may be embarrassed and ashamed while simultaneously having a physiological reaction that tricks the mind into thinking that what is happening is acceptable or enjoyable. As a result, they are left confused and unclear of what to feel and what to think. And when that occurs, a young person may become extremely confused about what is acceptable for themselves and others as children, teenagers, or even adults. They may occasionally harm other people similarly due to this unattended internal conflict, the anger, pain, and wounds that have been generated.

Due to the addictive nature of dopamine overstimulation, many people  (particularly young people) who constantly seek out and partake in sexual excitement develop addictions. Since they didn’t feel in control growing up and don’t feel that way about themselves as adults, they feel more powerful when they can manipulate a situation, a circumstance, or a person to get what they want from them. Sex addicts are opportunistic, and because of this, they use sex to control someone or gain power over them is a profoundly selfish behaviour that will always replace love with lust.

The compulsive nature of sexual addiction makes it about lust, which is a massive deceit because love brings happiness, inner peace, and ecstasy, some of the most magnificent things a human can experience, but lust will take those away. Lust is a selfish act that makes people want everything for themselves and disregard what it will take from others. An individual becomes an incredibly destructive force to himself and others once they have tuned themselves into lust-driven. 

Without the rush of the sexual chase, life would be monotonous for a sex addict. Life gets repetitive because they don’t know how to handle their emotional needs and are out of touch with their emotional maturity. They start looking outside to see what people think of them, who they can objectify and dominate. Some sex addicts find their fix  (dopamine rush) in lustful hunting behaviours, which provides them with the exhilarating sensation they desire; thus, they never stay with one sexual act or partner for very long. As a result, those driven by lust will become more enthusiastic and engaged in exploring novel approaches to entertain sexual behaviours.

But when one feels empty, or anything inside them could be traumatic, one doesn’t want to tune into that emotion. Instead, they will continue to run nonstop while looking for the next challenge, the next thing to acquire, the next fix, and the next triumph. And the reason for that is escaping their internal struggles.

Sex addicts at work might carry out their responsibilities as society would expect, yet off the clock, they might partake in exciting and compulsive sexual behaviours.  And that’s the part people hide because they believe, “If I have this small piece of myself, then this is mine, and I can do anything I want in this world, and no one will find out about it,” but that’s completely untrue because they also missed out on the chance to live a fully integrated life, which has a higher chance of success than keeping a secret existence.

They also deny themselves the chance to be authentic, which allows them to develop and have a richer, more meaningful experience than a hidden existence that is shadowy and full of shame. People who constantly seek compulsive sexual arousal find it challenging to be responsible. They are caught in an adolescent view of emotional maturity, and they fear looking at the truth because they don’t want to change and are afraid to mature. They worry that if they are responsible to themselves and concentrate on their growing process, they will lose a delusional and adolescent part that they use to go for thrills and lead a secret existence. 

Those constantly seeking sex often struggle to control their physical and mental impulses. This is one of the effects if they notice a specific trigger. Perhaps when they see an attractive woman or a  man strolling by, a portion of their body or mind will awaken. This part of their mind will torment them, driving them to pursue the person in their fantasy or reality. What’s going on is that they have neurologically programmed themselves to try to satisfy a desire in a way that doesn’t genuinely satisfy the need. Thus, they will develop a compulsive need to do it. Additionally, people are thinking in their heads, “I have to have sex,” “I have to have sex,” and “I want this person,” and this thinking eventually turns into an obsession. And even if they engage in sex, it wouldn’t satisfy their need, and after that instant has passed, the emptiness they experience will return.

However, when their genuine needs—a lack of attachment, intimacy, a sense of invalidation, a previous trauma that has to be healed, self-rejection, a build-up of shame, and a lack of confidence in their capacity to care for themselves holistically and healthily—need to be addressed, they are unable to do so.

Truthfully, sex addiction has less to do with liking sex and more with escaping discomfort and fear.

Dr Fai (2023)